This is designed to maintain the normalcy of the relationship. If the victim has visible injuries, she will have to explain how she got them. This can be crazy making for victims, as they do not understand how he could pretend nothing happened. The abuser may act as though nothing happened - everything is normal. “Normal” Behaviorĭuring this stage, the abuser may use different tactics to achieve his goal to regain power over the victim. For example, “If you had the house cleaned, I wouldn’t have had to hit you,” or, “If you had cooked dinner on time, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.” The goal of this stage is to abdicate responsibility for his behavior. Common victim blaming statements usually focus on the victim’s behavior. However, alcohol use and being abused as a child does not cause the abuser to be violent. Common excuses usually revolve around the abuser being intoxicated or abused as a child. ![]() The abuser makes excuses and blames the victim for his behavior. The goal of the guilt stage is to reassure himself that he will not be caught or face consequences. He may apologize for his behavior, but his apology is designed so that he will not face consequences or be held accountable. He does not feel guilty or sorry for hurting his victim. An abuser experiences self-directed guilt. A non-abusive person feels guilty about how they have impacted the life of the person they harmed (victim-directed guilt). GuiltĪ non-abusive person experiences guilt very differently than an abusive person. ![]() AbuseĪbuse can be emotional, physical, sexual, psychological, economic, and social (please refer to the Patterns of Abuse). Six distinct stages make up the cycle of violence: the set-up, the abuse, the abuser’s feelings of “guilt” and his fear of reprisal, his rationalization, his shift to non-abusive and charming behavior, and his fantasies and plans for the next time he will abuse. ![]() Understanding the cycle of violence and the thinking of the abuser helps survivors recognize they truly are not to blame for the violence they have suffered and that the abuser is the one responsible. At every stage in the cycle, the abuser is fully in control of himself and is working to control and further isolate his victim. The pattern, or cycle, repeats each time the level of his violence may increase. In fact, however, domestic violence follows a typical pattern no matter when it occurs or who is involved. Domestic violence may seem unpredictable, simply an outburst related just to the moment and to the circumstances in the lives of the people involved.
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